(Before I get to the post, here’s a quick update on project pregnancy: We are trying to conceive naturally this month, my doctor thinks it’s possible now that the endometriosis is gone and I am on Metformin. It’s healthierfor me to conceive naturally if I can because I won’t have a high risk of having multiples. And it’s a lot cheaper. I go in on November 25th for my biopsy to see if I ovulated and if I could possibly be pregnant. If I didn’t ovulate on my own then we will try the month of December with some fertility drugs. Cross your fingers and toes!)
Yes, I am thankful for my infertility…
So these past couple of years have been some of the hardest I have had, but I am thankful for my infertility. I know what you must be thinking. And how could anyone be thankful for something like this? Sure, my life has been hijacked by this evil infertility monster and I want nothing more than to karate chop it in the jugular. But one of my very wise professors once told me to enjoy the journey, not just the destination. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I want to express my gratitude for this nuisance that has changed my life, for better and for worse. I am thankful because:
It has strengthened my marriage.
These experiences have brought us so close together that I feel like there isn’t anything we can’t conquer. I am renaming my husband to St. Joshua due to his ability to be my rock and support me, even when I am behaving like a crazy wildebeest. He has never once shown any resentment towards me and has been by my side through my surgery and all my other less than desirable procedures. In fact, he gives me praise and lets me know how much he appreciates my sacrifices. He is always so positive about it all too, insisting that we will get pregnant, never assuming the worst-case scenario (which I tend to do). He’s always reminding me why I am putting myself through this when purpose gets lost in all my misery. See…he’s eligible for sainthood and he’s the sensible optimist that saves me from myself on a daily basis. So when he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink and forgets to take the dog to the groomers I just think about how loyal he is and how all of those small things just don’t matter.
It has made me emotionally stronger than I ever thought possible.
It has forced me to address my anxiety issues head on and learn to cope. It has gotten me over my fear of needles and stirrups. It’s given me the courage to start dance again, because it’s therapeutic, fun and healthy for me. I have been forced to eat healthier, which makes me feel better than I ever have. I have also learned to just relax and take time for me. It has taught me to not put up with anyone’s BS, because there are better things to worry about in life. It has taught me the power of prayer and positive thinking. There are so many times that I wanted to give up, shut myself in my room for days and just cry. And I understand now what people mean when they say “God works in mysterious ways”. If we already had a child my husband probably would have never started his own business and he wouldn’t be as happy as he is today, in fact he would probably be a miserable ball of stress and who knows what that could’ve done to our marriage. If we already had a child, Josh and I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy each others company for so long and take child-free vacations that gave us such wonderful memories. Overall, I’ve been able to make peace with God and I know now that we are silly if we think we can plan out our lives, we are on His time and God’s timing is always good.
It will make me a better parent.
I try to think about what kind of parent I would be if I had conceived two and a half years ago. I don’t think I’d ever be a bad parent but I don’t think I would appreciate them as much as I would now. This is personal to me, I don’t want anyone to think I believe this about parents that never had fertility issues. It was my personality back then, I never lived in the moment, had a hard time appreciating things and I was inflexible. I actually said once, “I don’t know why everyone makes a big deal out of someone getting pregnant, anyone can make a baby”. Yeah, I kind of hate myself for ever thinking that. Infertility has taught me to appreciate, live in the moment and be flexible. Nothing teaches you to be flexible more than spur of the moment doctor’s appointments that you can’t possibly plan for because you have no idea when your cycle will begin and end. And nothing prepares you for constant changes like thinking every month (for 29 months) that you will have a baby in nine months and then you don’t. I will appreciate every second of every day with my child when I have them because now I truly know what a miracle they are.
Thanks again for reading. Feel free to give some feedback. I’d love to hear from you.