Waiting

That’s the worst thing about going through fertility treatment…waiting. Waiting for your next appointment, procedure or medication. Waiting for your next cycle or waiting for your test results to come back because nothing is ever instant when it comes to trying to conceive.

I am sick and tired of waiting.

I had my endometrial biopsy today and I feel a bit traumatized by it. Havingbabies.com describes the procedure as such: “The endometrial biopsy is usually performed one to four days prior to menstruation. In a woman with a 28-day cycle, it is usually scheduled for Days 24 to 26. From start to finish the test takes about five minutes. The physician begins by inserting a speculum into the vagina. The cervical area is cleansed with cotton swabs and antiseptic and an antiseptic solution containing iodine. An instrument called a tenaculum may be used to stabilize the cervix. This may cause a brief, slight cramping sensation. A narrow plastic instrument is passed into the uterus to collect a small sample of tissue from the side wall of the uterus. During the 60 seconds the tissue is collected minimal to severe cramping may be experienced. This will subside spontaneously after a few minutes.”

I know everyone is different in the level of pain they experience with this procedure but on a scale of 1-10 my pain level was definitely a 9 or a 10. I actually went in yesterday to have this done and it was so painful for him to get the instrument through my cervix that he had to stop. He told me he would prescribe me some medication to make my cervix softer and I would come back the next day to try again. Let me tell you, nothing pleased me more to know I got to do this AGAIN the next day and that I got to take medication that would give me bubble guts to go along with my cramping. So we went home and I went to get my prescription filled. When I went to get my prescription the pharmacy tech looked at me like I was the scum of the Earth and condescendingly said “Um, are you pregnant?” My first thought was “your guess is as good as mine” but I just asked why. She left the window and came back with the pharmacist who preceded to tell me that by law he is required to tell me that this medication (Misoprostol) shouldn’t be taken if I’m pregnant because it can cause severe deformations to a fetus. Hmmm, good to know. I got the medicine and when I got home I read the whole leaflet on the medication and I see things like “don’t take this medication until you are at least two days into your menstrual cycle” and “use birth control for a month after taking this medication”. I Google it and find out this medication is basically the abortion pill and I read stories from women who took the pill to abort their miscarried fetuses. So now I’m freaking out, I break down crying in the living room and I use my go-to pissed off phrase of “I just can’t do this anymore” (I think I say this to motivate myself to go on because as soon as I say I can’t do it, the stubborn side of Kacy comes out and says “suck it up, wussy, you aren’t stopping anything until you get a beautiful, healthy baby”). At this point I’m thinking my whole fertility treatment is being sabotaged. Why would my doctor prescribe me a medication that could severely harm or kill a baby if I were pregnant? Because I could possibly be pregnant, it’s just too early to know. Isn’t this the whole goal here? Why wouldn’t they warn me about this beforehand?

I instantly became mother hen to a baby that may or may not even exist. I thought to myself that they will only get me to take this medication over my dead body and found myself wanting to kill my husband for saying “the doctor wouldn’t do anything to harm you or a pregnancy”. I don’t know what happened to me but I was angry for a while after finding all of this out. I got even angrier when I called the after hours number. I told the woman on the phone what was going on and she tells me something like “if you even think you might be pregnant you should NOT take this medicine or have an endometrial biopsy”. After I explained to her what my doctor said she backtracked and told me I should go with what my doctor says because he’s the expert. I was angry when I got off the phone, I was just terribly confused. My mind raced all night and I feared going back the next day. My stomach was still cramping from them attempting the procedure and I couldn’t even imagine going back in to have this pain inflicted upon me again. I decided I wouldn’t take the medication until I talked to my doctor.

I spoke to the nurse this morning and she assured me everything was okay and that the dosage wouldn’t hurt any possible pregnancy. She actually said that most research shows that a large percentage of women get pregnant during a biopsy cycle because the scraping of the uterus gives the embryo a nice place to implant. It was also okay that I didn’t take the medication last night and I could take it today and still be able to do the biopsy later today. She left it up to me to decide and told me to just call if I wasn’t going to come when I got done working. I called my husband for a quick pep talk and I took the medication and hoped for the best.

After I got done working I went home and Josh took me to the appointment, everyone in the office was so supportive and the receptionist gave me a hug (I’m pretty sure she heard my screams the day before). I took good pain medication this time but it didn’t help, it hurt like hell and I will NEVER do it again. I screamed a lot, I almost broke Josh’s hand while squeezing it and I was just about to punch a hole in the wall when he finished. Thank God it only lasts a few minutes though it seemed like ten and I remember saying “What are you doing right now? Are you done? Are you finished?” But I did it and I’m proud of myself despite my lack of grace. So now we wait. They are going to send off the sample to the pathologist and they will tell us whether or not I need to go the next cycle with fertility medications, I should know by next Monday evening. So I get to wait and wonder all Thanksgiving break. I am just praying that I successfully ovulated and am pregnant. I really don’t want to do the shots again and continue waiting to see what’s going to happen or not happen. But I will, I always do and will continue to until I have a sweet little miracle in my arms. 🙂

6 thoughts on “Waiting

  1. Kacy, I have been there, I was going through fertility treatments myself a few years back. We didnt get pregnant, and it is because we stopped. It had nothing to do with me not being able to. I wanted you to know that I know how you are feeling and I will be praying for you and your husband. Good Luck!
    Lisa Howell

    • Thank you Lisa! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know there are so many others who have gone through the same things, some have been through even more and I wish no one had to deal with it.

  2. Kacy,
    I hate that you are having to go through this but I do believe In that saying “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. I read the other two posts that you wrote and cant believe everything you have had to go through! You will be an amazing mom one day!! I feel your pain on the biopsy! I had to have one on Tuesday so I can have surgery and that was horrible!! I’ve had three kids and can guarantee that the biopsy was way more painful!!! I’m still hurting from it! Hope you get the news you are wanting and have a great thanksgiving!!!

    • Thanks Kimberly, it has made me stronger. I am such a different person now than I was even a year ago but I believe I am now a much better version of myself having gone through it. Goodness gracious, even hearing the word biopsy sends shivers down my spine. It makes me feel a bit better that I wasn’t just being a wuss about it all but a lot of people have said it is worse than child birth. I sure hope so, maybe I have been through the worst of it already. 🙂

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