I am a lover of all things Christmas. I love the lights, stockings, Christmas trees, family, finding that perfect gift for the special ones in my life, wrapping presents, decorating my house, listening to Christmas music and watching every Christmas movie I can get my hands on. In fact, I am writing this post while laying on my living room couch next to the fire with “Scrooged” playing the in background. Christmas is absolutely magical.
But something is different this year. Never before has Christmas been a double-edged sword for me. I’m still as excited as usual but I also feel a little strange about it. I remember last Christmas Josh and I were talking to his Dad and Stepmom about having a baby and I told them we would have a baby by this Christmas or at least have one on the way. I can’t believe it has taken this long. It’s hard to describe the feeling I get when I look on Facebook at my friends’ pictures of them and their children playing in the snow, decorating their homes or standing in front of the tree. It’s like right when you go down a big hill on a roller coaster and your heart sinks. I actually imagine a cartoon where the character’s heart stays up in the air while the rest of his body goes down with the roller coaster. Then I have to catch my breath because it knocks the wind out of me. What is the feeling though? It’s a mix of happiness and sorrow, jealousy and joy, hope and emptiness, love and hate. The bottom line is…it hurts.
Then I start absolutely to loathe my life situation. What, infertility is now going to take the joy out of Christmas? My favorite time of the year where I am the most happy? I should be shopping for baby clothes and toys. I should be excited about future Christmases to come with our child. And right now I don’t know if I will ever get to have that experience. I wish I had some happy conclusion to this post but I am in a pretty dark place tonight. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and survive. I have to get hope back. But tonight, infertility has beaten me. Bah, Humbug!