Adjusting My Sails

Adjust your sails

My mom told me a gazillion times that life isn’t fair. You’re damn right life isn’t fair. This world will try it’s best to knock you down and it will continue to kick you while you’re down there if you let it. Unfortunately this has been the story of my life but luckily, now I know how to fight back.

I got the call last night that we didn’t conceive this cycle. I spent most of the night feeling sorry for myself: I have had so much loss in my life and the universe, God, whoever, continues to try and get me down. I’m not much of a crier, I had to learn at a young age that crying doesn’t do any good for anyone. Instead it makes you look ugly, gives you a headache and makes your eyes all puffy for the next 24 hours or so. But I couldn’t hold it in last night. I cried for myself, I cried for my husband, I cried for those who hoped and prayed for us and most of all I cried for that little follicle that my body failed to make into a human. But I also learned early on that life marches on with or without you. So this morning I began moving on. I will continue to be sad but there is one thing stronger than sadness….hope.

I still have a little bit of hope that I will come out of this journey a winner. I am just so sick of all of it. My body hurt this whole month and I will not put it through any more of this crap without getting something out of it. So I think it’s time to bite the bullet and give this the best chance we’ve got. Josh and I both agreed we would go to IVF instead of spending countless more months trying to defy the odds. I have never been lucky so why would that change now? Yes, IVF is RIDICULOUSLY expensive and yes, IVF through Dr. Bundren is pretty close to being the most expensive place to go to do it. But he is very good at it. I looked up the clinic summary report for Bennett Fertility Institute in OKC (where Dr. B does his IVF procedures) and 83% of women around my age with the same diagnosis as I actually had a baby (or two) through IVF at this clinic. Yes this was in 2011 (the data lags a couple of years behind) but it has had a high rate similiar to this steadily since 2006. I’d say those are pretty good odds. Would you gamble with $20,000 if you had an 83% chance of winning?

I have to be on birth control pills for another month to let my body recover so we are hoping to start IVF in March. Now we just have to have many more conversations about how to pay for it. I’m usually not one to ask for hand-outs but I am thinking of making a donation site. I have seen many other infertile couples do it, and while it may not pay for the whole procedure it could make life a little bit easier. I have been Googling the crap out of ideas for how to raise money. No, we aren’t broke but I refuse to put us into a deep financial hole, especially when we may come out of it with twins to feed, clothe and shelter. What do you all think? Is it in poor taste to ask for donations? Has anyone else found ways to raise money successfully?

Thanks for all of your prayers over the last month,


18 thoughts on “Adjusting My Sails

  1. I would donate it a heartbeat. Hell, if I hadn’t already had a hysterectomy, I would carry your baby for you. Many people in your life would donate to such a great cause.

  2. Best of luck, sweetie! I know God will lead/has lead you in the right direction. I’ve seen many couples use the “go fund me” website to start a donation page. Also, a friend of mine had some family members organize a big dinner to raise funds for IVF. Always sending you my well wishes!

    • Thank you! Yeah maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be but why would God want us to do IVF? It’s all very confusing but hopefully it will make sense one day.

      • That’s a good question! One, that I for sure don’t have an answer to. I feel like having the option to do IVF is a blessing in it’s self — but why God has made it an option or the only way to extending you family leaves me without an answer. “Some of God’s greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers.” 😉

      • Yes. I saw a quote by Martin Luther King Jr. that said “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase”. I am taking the first step.

  3. I think your cause is just as worthy as most out there that ask for donations. Sorry to hear the bad news, but excited for you all to move on to the next option. Don’t lose hope!

    • Yeah but I thought “Why would people give money to me when there are charities and other causes that are way more important than mine?” I guess that’s the negativity coming out in me.

  4. Best of luck to you, after 4 miscarriages and 1 failed IUI in a little over a year and six months I feel your disappointment. I hope you are able to do another IVF cycle and have a H&H 8 months. Baby dust to you 🙂

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