Losing Hope

Sorry I haven’t posted recently. I have had a serious case of writer’s block. And I think it’s because I felt like if I wrote it down then it was more real. My body didn’t want to cooperate at all from the beginning of this cycle. I had a gut feeling that this cycle wouldn’t work. And I was right.

Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t think it would work that caused it to not work. Then I feel guilty about my negative thoughts thinking that I caused even more poo in my life. But I can’t do that, I have gone into many things with a positive attitude on this almost 3 year ride only to be shocked and surprised that it didn’t work out the way I had hoped.

There is nothing I can do to control this.

Perhaps that is the most disappointing revelation I have had in the past 30 days.

We started Follistim at 75IUs on March 17th. My first ultrasound and blood test was Monday March 24th. Everything looked good and ready to go but we knew I needed more time to let the follies and my lining grow. So I was ordered to up the dose to 100IUs and come back on Thursday the 27th, I went back to find I had many small follicles at one at 15mm, but my blood work showed that the 15mm follicle probably didn’t have an egg in it because my estrogen levels had only gone from a 30 on Monday to a 50 on Thursday. And my lining was still being a pain in the ass and not thickening up. I think it was at a 5 at this appointment when ideally you need to get it to 10 for a good chance at implantation. So I went back yesterday to see the progress and it was not good news. I had six follicles at 16mm and above and many smaller ones at 10mm or less. So Dr. Bundren said they wouldn’t give me the HcG shot to induce ovulation due to the risk of high order multiples. He said he cancels cycles if there are more than three dominant follicles. So we basically had a repeat cycle similar to the first cycle we did at Tulsa Fertility Center a couple of years ago. It just doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes I really hate my body. So now we have two options. I can’t seem to make a decision for the life of me so if any of you have any insight I would be interested to know your thoughts.

Oh and I forgot to mention that when I went in on the 24th for my first ultrasound I was told that Josh’s sperm analysis had changed significantly. His morphology went from 8% to 3% in 2 years. They had no explanation and honestly looked quite shocked by it, so we were going to have to proceed further with an IUI cycle. This would give us the best chance for fertilization.

Option #1: I can stay off BC pills and see if I ovulate any follicles on my own. Apparently without the HcG trigger you will only ovulate one or two of the follicles instead of all of mature ones. So we can pretty much do our own timed intercourse cycle. We do have a fairly high chance of multiples but at this point, who freakin’ cares. But there is the whole sperm thing now, our chances are greatly reduced. We have no guarantees this would work and this would put us behind another two weeks which could in turn take us off the schedule for IVF in June and push us all the way to August (they don’t do IVF cycles in July due to vacation/meetings/whatever).

Option #2: I can start BC pills ASAP (aka: yesterday) to suppress my ovaries nice and good for two months. This would put us starting our IVF cycle in June. Of course, now we would have to possibly do a procedure called ICSI due to Josh’s low morphology. This brings chances of success from 68% to 50%. They directly inject the sperm into the embryo because they think Josh’s sperm can’t penetrate the embryo on its own. I hate this and I feel so uncomfortable about all that. I don’t know exactly why yet, other than it reduces chances of success AND raises the price of IVF, by a lot. I just put a lot of stake and faith in the fact that Josh was perfectly fine. Now even that’s gone.

I am officially losing hope.

3 thoughts on “Losing Hope

  1. I am so sorry to hear all of this! I wish I could just tell you what’s going to work. We have done ICSI on both of our cycles and will do it on the next one. Let me know if I can answer any questions for you. I’m sending you a hug and lots of prayers!

    • Thank you Laura. I just don’t think my mind has adjusted to this new discovery yet. I do believe that it can be changed back for the positive if it went down so easily and quickly. But I think we now have our answer for why the previous TI cycle didn’t work. I don’t know much about sperm, I’ve done every bit of research possible on Endo and PCOS. I just wasn’t ready for this…

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