My Plans

trustgod

My plan was to wait until our first ultrasound in a week or two to announce our pregnancy via a cutesy photo. My plan was to write how thankful I am for all of your financial and emotional support. I was going to say that I owe it all to you and that none of this could have happened without all of you. My plan was to finally have a baby a month before I turned 30. And to be pregnant throughout the Fall, Winter and Early Spring. I hate the Summer so that is just perfect for me. Our plan was to then start doing all the shopping and decorating the nursery. And my plan was to be pregnant with some of my infertility sisters. I guess God had other plans.

Wednesday, September 10th: My beta was 25, Dr. Bundren said I had a positive pregnancy test and was definitely pregnant, I just had to go back on Monday to confirm my HCG levels were rising accordingly.

Monday, September 15th: My beta was 4, Dr. Bundren said I must have had an abnormal embryo that couldn’t survive much past implantation. He said we had great embryos, but a lot of them are just abnormal and no one knows why.

It’s hard to think of anything else other than I spent $16,000 for a miscarriage. Who pays for this kind of shit? Sadists I tell ya. We are sadists. I had almost forgotten what a broken heart feels like. Now I remember you, you ruthless old friend. It’s as though my chest is being sat on, my heart is being constantly bludgeoned and I am being suffocated simultaneously.

I was finally able to recover my relationship with the man upstairs over the past several months. But it seems I am being tested again. How much more do you want from me? The picture above is one I have had on my phone so that I wouldn’t Google every symptom and thought throughout these exciting and terrifying couple of weeks. I did pretty good on trusting through all this. I hope I don’t lose it all now.

I really do appreciate everything that you all have done for us. You have been so supportive and I really couldn’t have done all of this without you. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts. As for our next step? I have no idea. We had no eggs to freeze so we are back to square one. I don’t think I can do this again for a while.

Pray for us,

Kacy

10 thoughts on “My Plans

  1. Oh honey…my heart just broke reading this. When I say I know somewhat how you feel…I can honestly say that. Our stories are similar. I did IVF and had a number of 64 which was good considering it was a couple of days before my “actual” test day. However, two days later it had dropped to 48. I will never forget that phone call. Two days after that…it had dropped again. I was going to miscarry. The doc also suggested I had abnormal chromosomes (which he said is common) and like you, we had none to freeze. I know that right now, there are no words I can say that can comfort you…but I know God can. During my moments of heartache, I found that even though I didn’t want to, opening up my Bible to random spots and just reading soothed my soul. I am praying for you girlie and trusting that God has even bigger and greater plans than you could ever dream, think or imagine. xoxo

  2. My heart is broken for you, Kacy. I was just certain this was the cycle. There is nothing that I can say or do to take away this pain. Just know that Todd and I are here for you and Josh. If you need us for anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I love you and am praying for your heart to heal.

  3. Kacy, my heart hurts to hear this. I’m so sorry for what you are walking through. My hubby and I are unable to have our own biological children so what you are walking through is near and dear to my heart. Just spent some time praying for you. May God make His presence known to you as you mourn deeply, and may you have good friends come alongside you who will not try to give you pat answers but rather cry with you, listen to you, etc.

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