Life After Infertility

I have Googled many things since our miscarriage last week. My internet history probably looks like this: miscarriage facts, abnormal embryos, miscarriage after IVF, how to conceive naturally with PCOS, how miscarriages affect marriages and last but not least, how to be happy without children. That is when I came across this little gem at  http://www.refugees.bratfree.com/read.php?2,282634 on what appears to be a community forum. I was a broken, saddened and frustrated woman looking for answers of any kind. My initial reaction to this article was disbelief, then tears came and then I decided that anger was the most useful emotion here. I want to warn you before you read it that it may bring up some strong feelings. And I apologize for any negative language and put-downs, please know they are not my words.

The author of this post took this article: http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/ways-to-be-happy-with-a-childfree-life-after-infertility/ and added their own snarky commentary. I was excited to read all the comments from others and I assumed there would be a lot of backlash, instead there were many agreeing with the author. There were many comments suggesting we were selfish, that infertility isn’t a real problem and one comment that we should just “take a long walk off the end of a short dock”. I thought it would be a good opportunity to express some of my feelings and give some education on the life of an infertile. The original writer’s words are in black, the author that goes by the name “kidlesskim”‘s commentary is in red and my commentary is in blue.

A Childfree Life After Infertility – 7 Ways to be Happy

Living a childfree life after infertility doesn’t have to be sad, depressing, or futile. Here are seven ways to be happy even if you don’t have kids…

These people REALLY need to learn the difference between voluntarily “childFREEness” and living with childLESSness; BIG difference! It makes me wonder if we don’t get some of our cow trolls because they are Infertile Myrtles looking to live that “childfree” life after accepting their hole won’t be sluicing a loaf?bawling

I think what is being said here is that if one is “childfree” they choose to be and if one is “childless” it’s because they can’t have children. And for some reason the “childfree” don’t want to be associated with “childless” because we once wanted children. It’s all semantics and honestly, who really cares. Except after reading this, who would want to lumped into the “childfree” group anyway.

1) Focus on the benefits of not having children — there are some!

“Most studies have shown that psychological well-being tends to decline when people have kids,” says sociologist Amy Pienta, from the University of Michigan. “In mid-life, being married or having a partner has a greater impact on a woman’s well-being than whether or not she has children.” Enjoying life after infertility involves focusing on the emotional and financial freedom that a child-free existence can offer!

WOO HOO! Up until now, I hadn’t realized happy childfree living was possible!

It was hard to consider benefits but I have recently been trying to recognize the up sides to not having children. I think the point being made here is that we would rather have children, but if we ultimately can’t, why spend the rest of our lives in pain and suffering? The commentator may not care to have children, but infertiles trying to conceive obviously want children, so to them living “childfree” or “childless” is a sad thought.
2) Find infertility and childfree living support groups

If you’ve recently discovered that you or your partner have fertility issues, you may want to investigate infertility treatments. Many treatment centers have support groups – and connecting with other couples coping with infertility is a great way to both research possible treatments and build a happy childfree life.

Mmm, the cows had better be careful or they COULD end up wandering out of their pens and onto OUR turf, where cow grazing isn’t recommended.

Trust me, I don’t want to be on your turf either.

3) Support other couples coping with infertility

Cindy Margolis is an actress and model who faced “unexplained infertility issues” – and is now the spokesperson for RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. You don’t have to be famous to get involved with an infertility treatment center or support group! Life after infertility – or any disappointment, serious illness, or major life change – can involve reaching out to others with the same struggles.

Unbelievable they’d compare the inability to loaf shit to serious illnesses or major life changes. It’s HIGHLY doubtful they’d try and help support anyone else either, seeing as how Wanna-Moos are MORE selfish than the cows after they sluice.

The inability to conceive children is a medical issue. After all, there is a reason that we cannot conceive on our own. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a diagnosable syndrome that is incredibly impactful in a woman’s life. It causes hormonal issues such as excessive hair growth, insulin resistance, acne, irregular menstrual periods, weight gain and if untreated can lead to high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, endometrial cancer, breast cancer and obesity. Endometriosis can wreak havoc on a woman’s insides, cause extreme pain and can ultimately result in cancer. Not to mention the life changes that occur when one is facing infertility. One must constantly adjust their life expectations. Our dreams were coming true one week: we were having a baby, we would have to get a room ready because we were going from a family of two to a family of three (or four) and it was bliss. All of the money, time and effort we put into having a baby didn’t matter anymore. We had beaten infertility. Then the next week we had to face a miscarriage. We had to readjust our expectations and make life decisions on whether or not we even wanted to continue trying to make babies. But I guess losing an unborn child isn’t a real problem. Nor are money or marriage issues that can occur as a result of infertility.

4) Be prepared for the effect of infertility on your marriage

I don’t know the statistics of divorce after infertility, but not being able to have children can negatively impact marriages and committed relationships. Some couples get a divorce after infertility or even during infertility treatments – it’s a stressful, difficult time. To be happy with a childfree life, be aware that your marriage may look very different in a year or more…for better or worse. If your marriage is shaky, read Keeping Your Marriage Strong in Infertility.

Well, it couldn’t be any worse than the divorce rate so common AFTER they sluice! That, and the likelihood their man will cheat will go down exponentially if he doesn’t have to deal with the inpigness, the sluicing, the Ravaged Cooter Syndrome™, and the wailing shitbag afterwards too.

Something really painful must have happened to this person to cause such strong feelings towards people and babies who mean him/her no harm.

5) Think outside the box

Our infertility issues can’t be fixed with surgery; we’re considering a second round of sperm donor “treatments” (intrauterine insemination), but it sure gets expensive, time-consuming, and emotionally draining! If my husband and I don’t have children, I hope to take extended vacations every year, focus on building a strong writing career, and accept a childfree life.

So, after ALL hope has been lost, ALL their money spent, and countless YEARS of “trying” have failed, THEN they can come to accept that happy childfree life. I don’t suppose it ever occurred to the stupid bastards to adopt, but then they wouldn’t get the baby showers, attention, and “mini me” self replicant.

I get this a lot, “why don’t you just adopt?” I want to answer this question with, “Why don’t YOU just adopt?” So are you saying that in addition to struggling to conceive that I should also be charitable and adopt a child? I’m selfish for not wanting to adopt, but you aren’t selfish for not adopting or even wanting children? The answer for me is that no one is selfish when it comes to the decision to have children or not to have children. And I can pretty much guarantee that no adoption agency will let you adopt because you want to be “unselfish”, they will simply tell you to donate money if you want to be charitable. Many agencies have issues adopting children to those who are infertile because some may see it as a backup plan. Who would want to be adopted and learn that their parents ONLY adopted them because they couldn’t conceive on their own? Not to say that this is why other infertile couples ultimately decide to adopt. Many people have strong feelings in their heart to adopt, and God bless them for it. They will be the perfect parents to an adopted child. But I don’t want to adopt because I have no current desire to and I think every child deserves better than that. Maybe one day adoption will be our choice. But not today. I think I am being completely unselfish in this aspect.

6) Get involved with other people’s kids

To be happy after infertility, consider being a Big Sister or Big Brother, volunteering at a hospital for sick kids, or getting seriously involved in your nephews’ or nieces’ lives. There are kids all over our communities who are lonely and desperate for adult attention…and if your childfree life may benefit other people’s kids in deep, meaningful ways.

They can do all of that, but never even consider adoption? HOW selfish would a person have to be to love kids so much they’d be willing to be a part of all these kids’ lives, but REFUSE to adopt a child who needed a home? They won’t do any of that because they don’t love children, rather they love the idea of the inpigness, the self replicant, and the famblee fantasy

Why is it okay for fertile people to have “self-replicants” and the “famblee fantasy” but an infertile is selfish for wanting the same thing? Who says that if you want to have children that you want to get involved with others’ kids? Loving other peoples’ children is different from raising a child everyday. I work with kids everyday, and I love seeing these kids, but I don’t take them home and raise them. This was just an idea from the author, and how selfish of her to suggest volunteering and helping needy children.

7) Consider options for infertile couples

Talk to couples who have adopted, fostered, or had children in unconventional ways. Enjoying – not just tolerating – life after infertility involves opening your mind to possibilities other than traditional childbirth (or traditional infertility treatments). To find these possibilities after infertility, ask your friends and family for examples of people who have built their families in untraditional ways. You’ll be surprised at what bubbles to the surface.

So, AS A LAST RESORT, they casually mention the remote possibility of adoption as if it’s beneath them. This “built their families” bullshit is annoying as hell too.

If there’s still a chance you can get pregnant naturally, read Dr Oz’s fertility tips.WTF! I thought this article was about infertility acceptance? I suppose not. If there is ANY chance they can get knocked up they will absolutely take it and therefore, they are NOT NOR will they ever be “childfree”.

——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——- ——-
If YOU are the “exception” to what I am saying, then why does my commentary bother you so much?
I don’t hate your kids, I HATE YOU!

I have no words for these last comments. But I am interested in what you all have to say to this.

Best wishes,

Kacy

4 thoughts on “Life After Infertility

  1. Hi. We don’t know each other. And our lives and experiences and challenges are different. Possibly very different. But I do know what it is like to grieve…and I know what it is like to wait a long time…and experience unanswered prayer for a long time (a decade). Please hear me say that it is totally OKAY to grieve…to be sad…to be angry. Grief is not a bad thing. One of the most frustrating things people used to tell me when I wanted to adopt a daughter is that I would one day have daughters-in-law and granddaughters (as if they knew that for a fact, ha)! Or I could mentor other people’s daughters. While these may or may not be something that resonates with you (or your readers) I thought I would share these in case perhaps they do. Praying for comfort for you while you grieve.
    http://delanasworld.wordpress.com/2014/08/09/thirty-four-minutes/ (the birth, life, and death of my grandson)
    http://delanasworld.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/a-season-of-waiting/
    http://delanasworld.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/death-before-life/

  2. I’m not really sure how to respond to this article. I find it disheartening that someone could hate people like us so much for doing something that does not even effect them. This reminds me of the woman that writes to Elisha Kearns so much on her blog. How can you have such hate in your heart?! At this moment, I’m even more grateful for my infertile friends that love me and travel this isolating road with me.

    I love you, Kacy!

    • I know! I was hesitant to write about it but I just couldn’t get it off of my mind. I didn’t want anyone else to feel the way I did but I was curious to know if these were really thoughts that others have about us infertile myrtles. I love you too, you help me more than you even know.

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