This has been by far one of the worst days I have had since beginning this journey. We had a IVF follow up appointment today with the doctor. Some call this the “WTF Apppointment?!?!?!?” but my friend Laura from Making Baby Provence gave me the idea. Her doctor is all high tech and gadgety. They have to log on to an online portal to get their information about results, appointments, etc. and her consultation appointment after her failed cycle was labeled IVFFU. We decided we like that better…

Here were my questions for my doctor:

What are the consequences of trying naturally for a while and staying off of birth control?

The consequences could be that my PCOS would cause more symptoms. Meaning that I may gain weight, develop cysts in my ovaries, have increased acne (due to the fact that I already have it) and I could possibly lose all the hair on my head and grow the lost hair onto the rest of my body. Now I know that I’m being a bit dramatic here, but we are talking worst case scenario. I think he believes that if I stay on Metformin that the PCOS will stay under control. The consequences of not taking birth control pills (which treat my endometriosis and prevent it from growing) would be that it could all come back and we could start out where we were almost 2  years ago with another laparoscopy. He did say that 6 months was a reasonable amount of time to be off of birth control without having all of my symptoms return.

Why did we end up with only 2 low grade blastocysts when we started with 18?

He was very concerned by this number. And he said it could mean one of two things: 1. I could have old eggs that will just never be good and 2. We could have just got a bad batch this time and they may be better next time (or they may be worse). That was enlightening and encouraging.

What are our chances of conceiving naturally?

He simply answered with: “I wish I could say they were high.” And he elaborated with reminding us of my blocked fallopian tubes that may never be able to carry an ovulating egg to my oh so empty womb. To which I asked, “so why did we spend 6 months on Lupron trying to heal them if you didn’t think they could be healed?” More importantly, why did we spend several more months doing timed intercourse cycles and an IUI cycle if you believed my tubes weren’t functioning properly?

Can we test to see if I have any underlying conditions that may cause us to miscarry again?

Basically he said no, but in 5,000 or so words. To sum it up, research indicates that it doesn’t help anyone more than it hurts them in the long run. And I don’t show any family history or signs of blood clotting disorders, etc. Which still doesn’t make sense to me. How can miscarriages not be as painful as some tests?

What would you do different in our next cycle?

The only thing he would change would be to put me on 200mg of CoQ10 twice daily instead of 100 once daily to possibly improve my egg quality.

Will increasing my Metformin help me to ovulate?

No. Because my PCOS is not typical and I’m not overweight or have high blood sugar that it would hurt me more than help me. It would make my blood sugar even lower than it already is.

So I ended up leaving today more confused and with less hope than I have ever had. The only thing he knew for sure of was that I was pregnant and now I’m not. I was all hyped up to try naturally until we pay off our current IVF loan. I had faith in it all until I went into this appointment. Now all of my dreams are just crushed. We have no baby and we are left with no money, our old cars, the same old same old we have always had. We’ve talked about taking a vacation but I feel guilty about every single dollar I spend. Because that could be money for a baby. A baby that may never exist. Dr. Bundren said he believes in taking a lot of time between cycles so that one can emotionally heal. He also said that most couples do 2.5 IVF cycles before giving up because they can’t handle it emotionally. And that he has seen people end up $30,000 in debt and with twins. Yikes! I don’t want that to be us. I don’t want us to have that kind of stress. I am pretty sure we left that appointment with the plan to stay off birth control at least until December. I will go in in December for a check up to see how my body is handling being BC free and go from there. I still have faith, even if Dr. B and Josh don’t, my mom reminded me that God is the one who decides these things, not doctors. Man I really need a vacation. This is all too much.

5 thoughts on “IVF-FU!

  1. Wow! I can related to this post on so many levels! I remember going into my WTF appointment (which at the time I didn’t know that is what they were called) feeling hopeful for my future (even though I had already made plans to stop pursuing treatments) but leaving feeling so defeated. My doc also told me that my eggs were probably, old, bad, etc. He gave me little hope of having normal cycles, reduced symptoms of pcos or conceiving on my own. In fact, he said I had less than a 3 percent chance. I felt hopeless. I remember crying for days. But one day my pastor called me unexpectedly (I had no idea he knew my number) and he said something that has and will always stick with me. He asked me…”Where do you put your hope?” Basically he was asking me if I put my hope in the doctor’s abilities, meds, statistics, reports, etc.or in God and His supernatural abilities. If my hope was in the doctors and what they were saying, then yes I should feel hopeless because they are limitless and do not have miracle working powers. If it was in the God who has proven Himself time and time again then I have every reason to remain hopeful no matter what life throws at me. I don’t know if this helps or hurts you at this time, but it most certainty helped me. There is nothing wrong with meds, treatment, docs if that is the path God is leading you on, but just don’t put her hope in those things…keep your hope in God and believe that no matter what the doctors say, God has a specialty in performing miracles. He has a miracle waiting just for you because He does not show favoritism according to Romans 2:11 and He created you to multiply…He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

    Also, I have learned that food really does heal. I have cut out most of my dairy products and the hair on my chin doesn’t grow as much. Furthermore, when I eat fewer processed foods, carbs and sugar, I am less bloated and fatigued.

    Check out the PCOS Diva…she has wonderful tips on how to manage your PCOS naturally. It can take up to three months to see a change so keep persevering and never give up on your health. xo

    Here are a few of my favorite verses lately that I have all over my house….

    Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. ~Matthew 19:26

    Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we don’t give up. ~Galatians 6:9

    Let us hold unswervingly tot he hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ~Hebrews 10:23

    If we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. ~Romans 8:25

    • Thank you Elisha! I have been on a low glycemic diet since I found out I have PCOS. I could always do better at it though I’m sure. I’m not sure how far I want to take it, as I always seem to end up disappointed. He didn’t doubt that my PCOS couldn’t be cured but raised questions about my possibly blocked tubes. Which is something I hadn’t even thought of. So it will take some time I wrap my head around that and build that faith.

      • Totally understand that! Faith comes by hearing and hearing the word so just soak up in those scriptures and remind yourself of Genesis 18:14 daily which says…”Is anything to hard for the Lord?”

        love ya! Oh and be looking for some snail mail 🙂 xo

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