IVF Survival Playlist Part 2

I am a playlist kind of person. I always have a perfectly tailored lineup of songs for any road trip, party or life challenge. Maybe it’s the enneagram one in me that has to do this, but it makes me feel great to know that I have a list of songs that should match the mood or vibe and that I won’t have to skip very many songs.

For some reason, my original IVF Survival Playlist is my most popular blog post, somehow I am 4th on the list when you google IVF playlist. I guess you could say I’m famous on the interwebs. But it’s getting outdated at this point, so I wanted to make a part 2 to modernize the list. These are in no particular order.

1. You & Me – Dave Matthews Band

This is more of a couple’s IVF survival song. This was our wedding song, and with lyrics like “you and me together, we can do anything” and “we can always look back at what we did”, it fits our journey and marriage so well. It means so much more now that we are technically “on the other side of things”.

Another honorable mention by Dave Matthews is Grey Street. It’s so sad yet uplifting.

2. In My Blood – Shawn Mendes

A great reminder to not give up. It gives me goosebumps and dusty eyes every time I hear it.

3. Reaching for the Sky – Hanson

This song is split into two in the String Theory album, and it’s a damn shame because it’s fantastic. It doesn’t stop me from listening to it on repeat. A reminder to never give up on your dreams.

4. Broken & Beautiful – Kelly Clarkson

This is a Shine Dance routine and I dance my booty off and fight back tears the entire time. I love it. I included the Shine dance video instead of the music video because it’s such a gorgeous routine. For those who don’t know, Shine Dance is a dance fitness program. I found it while searching for ways to dance and meet people and it delivered! I became an instructor and religiously went to class, that has since dwindled since having a baby but I fully intend to return as soon as possible! Shine Dance Fitness offers an online membership through shinedancefitness.com if you are interested and have a lot of their wonderful routines on YouTube. They also have a couple of full hour classes on YouTube here or here. Those aren’t the only two though, you my have to poke around on their YouTube page.

5. I Love Me – Demi Lovato

A great reminder never stop loving yourself through the whole process and to quit comparing yourself to others.

6. Bigger Than The Whole Sky – Taylor Swift

This. song. It’s sort of a life destroyer. Trigger warning: it is suspected to be about miscarriage. I only recommend listening to it when you are alone and ready to ugly cry. Why is it on a survival list? Because sometimes you have to sit in sadness and cry it out to move forward. Here is a verse or two for a little preview:

“Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I’ve got a lot to pine about
I’ve got a lot to live without
I’m never gonna meet
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What should’ve been you”

7. Something in the Water – Carrie Underwood

Such an uplifting gospel song. And everything about the music video is perfection.

8. Keep On – Sasha Sloan

This is also a Shine Dance Fitness routine. It was actually choreographed by a Shine instructor who was going through chemo after her breast cancer returned. To support her fight, a lot of the ladies in Shine nation filmed themselves doing the dance and posted it on Facebook for her. She has since passed away from it, and though I never met her in person I will always think of her and her positive attitude during some of the worst times in her life when I hear this song and it inspires me to be strong in the hard times. If you wanted to check out her teaching the dance for the first time, see the video below:

Here is the lyric video if you would rather just hear the song:

9. Rainbow – Kacey Musgraves

This song will always be special to me and anyone with a rainbow baby would probably love it. A good reminder that there is always something good when life is tough. One of the commenters on the YouTube video said that Kacey’s voice is like a warm hug, and it truly is.

10. Audition (The Fools Who Dream) – Emma Stone

La La Land is my favorite movie and this scene is evidence of why Emma Stone won the Oscar for this role. I still feel all the feelings when I listen to it. “Smiling through it, she said she’d do it, again.” Because we all know that no matter what the IVF outcome is, we would all do it again if we knew there was even a chance of getting our babies.

Some additional honorable mentions:

• Fight Song by Rachel Platten
• I’m Still Here from the Jem and the Holograms Soundtrack
• Don’t Give Up On Me by Andy Grammer

What are some songs that help get you through the tough times? I’d love more ideas!

April Fools

Everett’s due date was April Fool’s Day. It truly is ironic, seeing that he had some completely different plans, the joke’s on us! When we did the math at the doctor’s office, the nurse laughed as she calculated it in her mind and said, “of course this baby would be an April Fool’s baby!” I think she was referring to the dread that many infertiles experience when it comes to April Fool’s Day. There is always one (or more) person in the social media world who thinks it’s funny to joke about being pregnant. I don’t believe it’s ever done with bad intentions, but I am here to ask you to please don’t do it. It isn’t even a funny joke and it’s worn out by now. I know, we live in a world where no one likes to be offended, and many might think that this is a unique perspective. 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss and 1 in 8 couples experience infertility. Knowing those numbers, is it really such a rare frame of reference? The chances are that you are really hurting someone you care about. Is the bad joke really worth it? I digress.

The purpose of this post is that last year I sort of just let April 1st pass me by without any real thought of the significance of it. Maybe it was because we were in the thick of adjusting to life at home with a newborn, or maybe it was because he was never going to be born on April 1st. He was measuring so large that we kept moving his due date back, by the time he was born we were settled on the 3rd week in March. Because of this, I really never had a set due date in my mind, especially since I didn’t like the thought of an April Fool’s Day baby, mainly because I know it would sting my other infertile friends extra hard to have my baby that day. And maybe it was because I was already sick of hearing the jokes about it when I told people my due date; I didn’t want any of us to hear that the rest of our lives.

April 1st is hitting me a lot harder this year, I am realizing that he is just now supposed to be turning one, instead of almost 15 months old. His first birthday seems so long ago now. He has changed so much since then that I can’t even fathom everything this little being had to go through, and everything he is currently going through to try and catch up. A baby born at 30 weeks can’t regulate their own body temperature, they have to mentally realize and remember to breathe (it’s not innate in them yet), they could have brain hemorrhages or heart issues (luckily ours didn’t), they have digestion issues and are more susceptible to jaundice and other illnesses due to a weakened immune system. They are also more susceptible to SIDS. That’s a lot of stuff for a less than 4-pound baby to overcome.

Sometimes I couldn’t care less that he’s behind, and other days I freak out that I am not doing enough to get him to catch up. I am still trying to find the balance. So far, I have found that pushing him does no good, he has done everything in his own time, which ends up being right on time for all of us. Experts say it can take up to 3 years for him to catch up to his peers, and the thought of that makes me sad for him. I went to his class Valentine’s party and all the kids (even those significantly younger than him) were all playing around him and he was just sitting in the middle of the room watching everyone around him because he couldn’t crawl yet. I don’t know if he was sad about it, but I was holding back tears and feeling guilty for not being able to keep him in the womb longer. I don’t have anything to compare this to, but I do love how big of a deal his milestones are when he reaches them because I know how much more he has to overcome to get there. I am sure every mother feels the same bittersweetness of their baby growing up. I definitely cried (tears of both happiness and sadness) when he started army crawling around the house.

Timeline

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6/2011: We decided to start trying for a baby, I stopped taking birth control pills

1/2012: After 6 months of not getting “Aunt Flo”, I go to the OBGYN, she prescribes Clomid, no cycle starts and we don’t get pregnant, we get referred to a fertility clinic

6/2012 – 12/2012 (very estimated dates): We did tons of diagnostic tests, never got any answers other than my husband’s numbers were great, but I wasn’t ovulating. We did several cycles with Follistim, the first cycle I got too many follicles so that cycle was cancelled. We also tried Follistim and Femara and no luck. The next cycle we backed off the shots a little and then I got no follicles. They never really recommended IUIs since the sperm count was great. They said I could possibly have PCOS and that I would be a good candidate for IVF.

1/2013: We decided to get a second opinion, and after researching the crap out of best IVF success rates (because if we were going to spend $12,000+ on IVF, I wanted us to have the best chances of success), I found Dr. Bundren. He actually listened to me that I may have endometriosis and confirmed I have PCOS, scheduled surgery for endo and put me on some Metformin for the insulin resistance you get with PCOS.

2/2013: I had my laparoscopic surgery which confirmed I did have Stage 2 endometriosis

2/2013 – 11/2013: I had to then do 6 months of Lupron shots after the surgery followed by 2 months of birth control pills. The doctor thought we had a good chance of getting pregnant naturally after that, but nothing ever happened

11/26/2013: Endometrial biopsy to check for ovulation, no ovulation at all after all the surgery and medication

12/2013 – 1/2014: Next round of timed intercourse with Follistim began, negative pregnancy test, IVF was recommended. The sperm analysis we did for IVF revealed sperm morphology was worsening, hubby wanted to take a few months to try and improve it to give us the best chance. I threw a shit fit but accepted it. IVF got pushed out a few more months.

8/2014 – 9/2014: IVF Cycle # 1, 18 eggs retrieved, 10 fertilized, 2 embryos transferred. Positive pregnancy test. Beta # 1: 24.5, Beta #2: 4.2. We had an early miscarriage, or a chemical pregnancy.

5/2015: IVF Cycle #2, we went to a more affordable clinic a state away, 13 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized and 0 made it to Day 5. So, no retrieval and no chance for a pregnancy.

6/2015 – 10/2019: We took a long break to recover emotionally and financially. I was taking care of my dad and grandpa, so we just needed a break. We both changed our careers and we never stopped trying, hoping, and praying. I tried all the homeopathic things there were, but we never got pregnant.

11/2019:  IVF Cycle #3, we went back to Dr. Bundren. 9 eggs retrieved, 1 embryo made it to Day 5, it was transferred but we had a negative pregnancy test.

12/2019 – 4/2021: We did an Endometrial Receptivity Analysis, or an ERA to see if my window of receptivity was off and if we had been transferring embryos at the wrong time. If the results were that we were transferring embryos at the right time, then we weren’t going to do IVF the same way again. We would probably either look at embryo adoption or just giving up. Adoption wasn’t on the table as we both didn’t agree on this topic. If the results were that my window of receptivity was outside of the norm, we would try again with this new information. The results came back as great news because we found out I was considered non-receptive, meaning I was 3 out of 10 women who have a displaced window of implantation. For more info on the ERA, see a previous blog post here. IVF was on the table again. Hubby quit his highly stressful job to reduce anxiety and improve his health to give us the best chance possible.

4/2021 – 7/2021: IVF Cycle # 4. We did IVF again; this was a freeze all cycle. We retrieved 6 eggs, 5 fertilized, we had 2 embryos that were a little behind on Day 5, but they let them grow to Day 6. Both made it to Day 6. We had two good quality blastocysts that they froze. We transferred our Day 6 hatching blast on 7/14/2021. 1^st beta: 67.1, 2^nd beta: 605.6, 3^rd beta: 2,784.9, 4^th beta: 25,214.9. Our dear son was born 10 weeks early in January 2022, he was a preemie but healthy!